There was a time when I sincerely wondered if I was socially retarded. It was at the height of puberty and almost all of my classmates at the time were involved in relationships and going out on dates. It took me a few months, a couple of days before Valentines Day, before I realized that I was the only one… lacking tryst-wise.
(Am I lovable enough?)
When I looked in the mirror this morning, I knew I was lovable. My only problem now is whether or not she’ll admit to having the same opinion.
I ruffle my hair a little, straighten my shirt, check my fly, grab my messenger bag and pivot towards the door. My shoes tap sharply on the tiles, anxious and distressed.
(Did I forget anything?)
It’ll be a ten-minute walk or so to the park and with twenty more minutes to kill. I think I can still buy ice cream for the both of us if I hurry and get there before she does.
(Does she even like ice cream?)
I make my steps bigger. We planned this last Friday; a short walk to the movies and maybe have dinner afterwards — as friends, though neither of us felt the need to mention it. After all, saying that I’m only going out with her as friends is like saying I’m, without a doubt, the reincarnation of Atahualpa.
I don’t intend to remain just friends.
Glancing around, I spot a flower shop not too far from the park. Should I…?
(What kind of flowers does she like?)
Maybe I shouldn’t.
(What if she’s allergic to flowers?)
I don’t know her at all.
I shove my fists as deep into my pockets as possible and continue into the park. She’s standing by the nearest bench, facing the tree. Her face is turned up and I follow her gaze to a tiny squirrel.
(Does she like pets?)
She holds out a hand to touch the squirrel, I think, but it flees from her. I see her arm tense, as if she wanted to reach out for it but stopped herself immediately. She rolls her bright, blue eyes at me. “Hey you.”
“Hi. You ready?”
“Let me just bring my squirrel.” Sarcastic and teasing. She smiles as we fall into step beside each other.
(Would she like me more if I had a pet?)
“How’ve you been?” she asks lightly.
“Great,” I answer. “Just… I’ve been thinking a lot lately.”
“Oh?”
“Yes.”
“Well, so have I.”
I smother a grin and shrug. I think I can tell her now.
(Should I tell her?)
“Hey.”
“Yeah?”
No, no. I can’t.
“What’s the capital of Poland?”
She blinks, confused. “Warsaw?”
(Why can’t I tell her?)
I can do it. “Yeah?”
“Yes, probably. I was browsing the atlas this morning.”
“Weird.”
(Does that mean she likes Geography?)
“Hey…”
“Yes?”
(Can I tell her now?)
“… How about Turkey?”
“Ankara,” she replies with a laugh. “What’s up with you and countries today?”
“Nothing.” Absolutely nothing. “But hey. I have something to tell you.”
“What is it?” She walks closer to me, arm touching mine every other step. Her nose scrunches up as she gives me a sour look. “You’re acting weird.”
“Sorry.”
“So?”
… I can’t tell her.
“Did you know that Italy is shaped like a boot?”